Pet Memorials from the Heart Blog

When we bond with a dog, cat or bird, it is understandably traumatic when we have to say goodbye to that beloved pet. However, for pets who are part of a larger family, there is also the question of helping the children deal with the pet loss, as well. Children are at different stages of development and understanding, and often do not have the mental development to cope with loss the way grown-ups do. How do you help children process the loss of a family pet?

Just like every adult, every child will have his/her own way of dealing with pet grief and loss, but speaking very generally, children over the age of ten have enough of a grasp on the concept of death that they will usually process the grief in similar manner to an adult. For children under ten years of age, reactions can range from detachment to self-blame to bedwetting and changes in eating/sleeping habits. For younger children (age 2-3) who lack an understanding of death, it might be fairly simple to get the child past the concept of death, and a young child might even do well with a replacement pet fairly soon after. Children from 4-10 may have a tougher time with the misconceptions surrounding death (for example, they might feel they caused the death, or they might fear that death is contagious).  In rare cases, grief counseling might be an option.

If you have a child who is also dealing with the loss of your beloved pet, the important thing is to watch and listen to your child to know how to respond. While each case is different (and while we wouldn’t pretend to offer expert advice on this subject), here are a few common-sense tips to help a child through the process:

1. Talk with your child. Don’t be afraid to speak plainly on the subject of death, and of the loss of the pet. Calmly answer any questions the child has about death, no matter how morbid. (This child is processing loss, and deserves the same considerations as you.)
2. Since children can’t always verbalize what they feel, sometimes inviting the child draw and color will help them process their feelings.
3. Involve the child in pet memorials, rather than excluding them. Creating pet memorials can be as much of an agent of healing for children as it is for adults.
4. Get help for your child if he/she is not processing the grief well. There is no shame in seeking counseling (for you or for your child) if you feel that either of you is not coping as you should.

While many pet memorials follow a fairly standard or conventional approach, some people opt to get more creative in the ways they memorialize their pets. Does it really make a difference which type of pet memorial you choose to honor your special friend, or to comfort a friend who has lost a dog, cat, bird or other pet?

First, let’s differentiate a bit between conventional and creative pet memorials. Conventional memorials would be include the actions and items you would typically expect to see associated with the passing of a pet, or of a person for that matter. Examples of conventional pet memorials might include memorial services, eulogies, grave markers, pet urns, etc. Memorial gifts might also include flowers, live plants, sympathy cards, or a donation to a charity in the pet’s honor.

Creative pet memorials, for lack of a better definition, are those types of actions or items that not everyone automatically thinks of, and for that reason usually carry a more special type of meaning to the person who lost the pet. Examples of creative pet memorials can include commemorative jewelry (often containing the pet’s ashes/fur), memorial art boxes, online memorials, commissioned artwork, and the like. (Of course, the Loving Hearts Tribute Series also comes under the heading of creative pet memorials.)

So which is a better pet memorial? Conventional or creative? That depends entirely on you, what type of person you are, and which type of memorial carries more meaning for you. If you are a more traditional type of person, someone who responds well to traditional types of observances and ceremonies, it is quite possible that conventional pet memorials will do quite well for you and help you bring you the closure you need. If, however, you lean more toward the artistic or feel things on a deep emotional level; if you feel an exceptional amount of grief over the loss of the pet; if you are the type of person who feels like grave markers and pet urns would only remind you of your grief rather than help bring healing; or if you just feel like you need more than the traditional observances to help you process the loss; then you might look at more creative types of pet memorials.

Whichever type of memorial you choose—conventional or creative—what’s most important is the meaning it brings for you, rather than the format itself. There is no real right or wrong when it comes to honoring your pet—except, of course, to deny your own heart.

The subject of when (or if) to euthanize a pet that is terminally ill or in chronic pain is a touchy one for many. In previous posts, we’ve talked a bit about consulting your veterinarian about situations in which putting your pet to sleep might be the most humane thing to do; however, it’s also important to look at the other side of things, because a lot of veterinarians now offer pet hospice care as an alternative to euthanasia—and some vets even specialize in hospice care.

Pet hospice care works much the same way as hospice for humans; terminally ill pets are given extended care intended to strengthen the quality of life during their last days. In many cases, the pet can receive hospice care while remaining at home with his/her owner.

As with any end-of-life choice, there are pros and cons to pet hospice care. On the plus side, hospice offers families the chance to spend time with the pet, to cope with the idea of impending death, and to say goodbye. Additionally, a veterinarian who offers hospice care is likely to be very compassionate, and while there are exceptions (and you should certainly research any pet hospice facility before placing your pet there), there’s a very good chance that your beloved friend will certainly receive compassionate, humane treatment during his/her final days.

On the negative side, extended care for a pet can be costly (and unless you carry some sort of insurance for your pet, you will absorb the expense). Additionally, there are times when the best care cannot alleviate the suffering of the dog, cat, bird or other animal, and the animal’s quality of life cannot be improved—at which point, you might want to address the question again with your vet as to whether it is humane to try to keep the animal alive.

So which choice is right for you and your pet in circumstances like these? Only you and your vet can make those decisions, and they are admittedly not easy ones to make. If you and your vet feel a pet’s quality of life could be improved through hospice care, or if you have a strong moral or emotional conviction against euthanizing a pet, then pet hospice may be a good alternative for you and your special friend.

For more information on pet hospice, visit www.pethospice.org.